After London
by My Girl Thursday
Summary: "I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again." What happens after the Crucible is fired. Will Shepard and Kaidan survive, and will they see each other again? A Mass Effect 3 epilogue.
1. Chapter 1

The first time Shepard had died, it had been far from peaceful. She had been awake and aware, struggling to bring oxygen to her lungs and hold on to life. This time was a little calmer. The voice in her head that said "_you're dying_" was whispering, not screaming. She didn't feel the urge to do anything. Rather, she just felt like going to sleep.

After activating the Crucible, there had been a flash of light. Shepard didn't remember anything after that. She woke up with a start and struggled to take in a deep breath. Shepard was buried underneath rubble. It was dark and dusty. She felt lightheaded and weak, and she was simultaneously numb and in pain.

Somehow she had lived. Shepard didn't get her hopes up though. She knew she had major internal injuries and wasn't going to make it much longer.

"Got them," she whispered to herself. Shepard managed to smile at that. Then she began to grimace as she thought about the Normandy and her crew.

Garrus, her right-hand man who had gone on that final approach with her. He had been by her side through everything. Liara, an amazing friend and great scientist. Tali, the tech expert who had started to step into her own. Joker, the best pilot and resident smart ass anyone could ask for. And all of the rest… she hoped that the Normandy was safe somewhere.

Shepard thought of Kaidan. She had left him with Garrus after he got hurt as they approached the beam. She had said her final goodbye to him. She knew that was likely to be the last time they saw each other. The way he looked at her when she backed away from the Normandy dock- it had broken her heart. Shepard hoped he wasn't seriously hurt. She loved him deeply and wished that he would be able to quickly recover physically and emotionally from this.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps. She considered not yelling because perhaps there was someone else they could save who had a better shot of living than her. Then she thought that Kaidan and the others would be fairly upset if she didn't at least try to save herself.

"Over here!" She screamed as loud as she could, but it was still faint.

"Did you hear that?"

"Yeah, it was coming from over there."

Shepard heard the footsteps approach.

"We're going to get you outta here!"

"Hold on!"

The weight of the debris began to lessen, and soon enough she was able to breathe better and look up to see her rescuers: two Alliance Marines.

"Shit, it's Shepard!"

She smiled, but began to panic as she felt her breathing get raspy suddenly. Her eyes went wide as she gasped.

"Ma'am, ma'am, what's going on? Hold on!"

Shepard blacked out.

* * *

Kaidan woke up with a start. He had been dreaming of when he said goodbye to Shepard. Garrus was holding him up, and he wouldn't let Kaidan budge. He knew he couldn't go with her because he would slow her down, but he did not want to leave her. He left her on the first Normandy, and that had not ended well. Kaidan was determined to be there this time no matter what, and yet it did not happen.

Dr. Michel had him in the med bay. When he first got pulled onto the Normandy, he had wanted to go sit with Joker or stand with Traynor so he could know what was going on. He had managed to make it to Joker in the cockpit and overheard the orders to leave Earth. Kaidan was silent, completely in shock. The Normandy rattled and rocked as it escaped. The ship was plummeting, crashing, and hitting solid ground. Kaidan was thrown against the wall. He was dazed and confused_. Where were they? Did they just really leave?_ Garrus dragged him to the med bay where Dr. Michel and Liara were. They helped Garrus put Kaidan on a bed.

"I'm alright, I'm alright. I need to be up on deck." Kaidan tried to get up before Liara gently pressed him down.

"You need to lay down, Kaidan. Let Dr. Michel examine your injuries."

"I need to be with the crew right now!" Kaidan struggled against Dr. Michel's and Liara's hands that were trying to hold him down.

"Major, you are bleeding from multiple shrapnel wounds and who knows what else. I need to examine you before you do anything else. Do you want to put your life in jeopardy?"

Kaidan was bound and determined to be on deck. He needed to know what was going on with the Reapers and Shepard. He wanted to yell at Joker for leaving Earth, for leaving her. He was going to get up even if he had to use his biotics to push the two of them away. He started to glow lightly.

"Kaidan!" Liara shouted.

And then he felt the prick of a needle in his arm. He turned to see Dr. Michel injecting him with something.

"What are you doing?" Kaidan commanded, his voice slurring slightly. Everything started to get fuzzy, and he fell back onto the bed.

"Sorry, Major."

Then blackness. And now here he was. The med bay was empty except for Dr. Michel sitting at her desk. Things looked jostled: books on the floor, jars of medical tools knocked over. Kaidan tried to stand up, but he was dizzy. He was a little achy, and he saw that he had some new stitches put in.

"I wouldn't recommend getting up," Dr. Michel chastised.

Kaidan sighed, but continued putting himself together. "What happened?"

"Well, we left Earth, and from what I've heard, we landed on a possibly uncharted planet somewhere. The crew has begun to explore it. The air is breathable, there is light from a sun, and what appears to be water and vegetation. That's the good news."

"And the bad?"

"You might want to check with the others about that. They know more. But I do know that you suffered a mild concussion and some external and internal injuries, which I have tried to repair to the best of my abilities. I would like you to rest here, but I realize I may be asking too much of you. And I think it might be good for morale if you go up and speak with your crew."

Kaidan nodded. He didn't like the fact that they were somewhere off the map, but he was glad they had made it. Kaidan was anxious about that bad news, but he knew he was now the commanding officer and needed to take control.

He walked out of the med bay. The halls of the Normandy were mostly deserted. The emergency lights were on, but daylight was pouring in from the docking area doors. Kaidan held up a hand to block the blaring light from his eyes and stepped through the door frame.

It looked like the entire Normandy crew was out there. Most of them turned to look at Kaidan when they saw him step out onto the ground.

"Major?" Garrus asked hesitantly.

Kaidan motioned to Garrus and pulled him to the side so they could have a private conversation.

"What's going on, Garrus?"

"Well, as you've probably noticed, we've crashed on this planet. Kind of reminds me of Virmire, but our research has not concluded where we are. It has water, light, and vegetation, all good signs. And no crew members were seriously injured in the crash."

"That's good, but I know everything's not all sunshine and rainbows."

"Ha. Well, the ship appears to be non-functional at this point in time. We can't start the engines. Communications are offline. There's also been some loss of power. EDI is not... alive. Not functioning. We can't figure it out."

"Great," Kaidan muttered sarcastically. His heart sunk when he heard that the engines were dead and communications were offline. He desperately needed to hear of Shepard's fate. It felt cruel to be left in the dark. His gut told him Shepard was not alive, but he could not dwell on that thought or he would crumble. The Normandy needed him.

He turned away and went to address the crew that was gathered. Garrus reached out and put his talon on Kaidan's arm.

"Kaidan, about the Commander-"

Kaidan brushed Garrus off of him. "With all respect, Garrus, I can't talk about this right now."

Kaidan tried to maintain his composure. _Breathe in, breathe out_. He gulped as he looked out on all of the eager faces. _What would Shepard do?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone who has followed, favorited, and reviewed! It is very much appreciated. I'll try to keep updates coming every few days.**

* * *

Shepard woke up in a hospital bed. There was a tube down her throat which was very uncomfortable. She could tell that she was also hooked up to a respirator because she wasn't controlling her own breathing. An IV was in her arm. She looked down and saw that a metal body brace was holding her in place. _That's not good_. _But hey, I'm alive!_ Looking at her hands again, she saw a red "nurse" button on a remote control at her bedside. She pressed it.

A woman in a nurse uniform walked in. "Oh my, you're awake! Let me get the doctor!"

The nurse returned with Dr. Chakwas and Miranda. Both looked relieved to see her awake.

"Commander, it is good to see you among the living," Dr. Chakwas put her hand gently on Shepard's arm.

"It's pretty much a damned miracle," Miranda said, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall.

Chakwas turned off the respirator and gently removed the tube from Shepard's throat. She coughed and coughed, and her throat was sore.

"You might have lost your voice temporarily because of the intubation, but I'm sure it will come back shortly," Dr. Chakwas smiled.

The doctor loosened the metal brace. She then proceeded to walk to the foot of the bed, and she used a small metal tool to touch Commander Shepard's foot.

"Feel that?"

Shepard shook her head.

Dr. Chakwas moved the tool slowly up both of her legs, asking each time if Shepard could feel it. Shepard just kept shaking her head. Shepard started to panic a little bit. She knew this was bad news_. Perhaps it's just temporary_, she hoped.

"Can you wiggle your toes?"

Shepard focused hard on the task at hand. Dr. Chakwas was looking underneath the blanket so Shepard couldn't see what was happening, but based on the doctor's facial expression, she knew the diagnosis wasn't good.

"Damn it," Miranda muttered.

The doctor then proceeded to examine her upper body and asked her to do a few exercises with her arms. Shepard was able to move her arms and fingers, and she could feel sensations all the way down to the bottom of her hips.

"Well, it's as good as we could've hoped for," Miranda remarked.

Dr. Chakwas pulled up a chair next to Shepard. "Commander, I want to discuss your injuries with you. Would you like to go over this right now?"

Shepard nodded.

"When you were brought into the hospital, you had suffered major internal injuries and barely had a pulse. It took a series of many surgeries to get you to where you are now. You've been in a medically induced coma for the past month. All of the cybernetic implants failed, so we had to remove them. You had a concussion, broken ribs, a punctured lung, and the list goes on and on. What you've probably noticed, however, is that you had some spinal cord trauma."

Shepard nodded, and Dr. Chakwas squeezed her hand.

"Cerberus did a good job of bringing you back when you died, and without the work they did to you, you wouldn't have survived this in the first place. It, however, couldn't save you from this injury. It appears from our tests and scans that you are paralyzed from below the waist. We did all we could to repair the damage, and luckily it appears you are not quadriplegic."

Miranda now moved toward Shepard's bed and took a seat at the end of it.

"Shepard, this is something we might have been able to repair with Cerberus resources, technology, and scientists. Like how we were able to assist Joker. Unfortunately, we cannot do that right now. I helped the medical staff here, but I'm sorry I could not fix this. I do have hope that one day we will able to repair the injury."

Shepard tried to speak, but nothing came out. She motioned for a pen. Chakwas pulled out a datapad, handing it to Shepard. Shepard paused and tried to think for a moment before typing. The oxygen monitor on her finger makes it clumsy to write.

IT'S OK. THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

"Shepard, I'm so sorry-"

"Commander, we did our very best."

Shepard puts up her hand to quiet them. She is genuinely grateful for the time and effort they put into trying to keep her alive and in one piece. However, the news still does pack a punch. Shepard had been a soldier her whole life. _What was she going to do now?_ Her mind then travelled to Kaidan and the rest of the crew.

NORMANDY?

Miranda and Dr. Chakwas looked at each other carefully. The doctor sighed.

"Shepard, there has been no sign of the Normandy yet. The Crucible not only knocked out the Reapers and the relays, but also the range of our communication systems. Engineers are working to rebuild everything, but it's only been a month. We have some ships that have returned. The Normandy probably escaped the blast and is in some far away system, but I'm sure they'll make their way back with time."

Shepard doubted that statement. Even if the Normandy had survived the blast, they could be stranded somewhere with limited supplies and an inhospitable environment. And then it could years to get back from some of the far corners of the universe without the relays…

I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE, PLEASE.

Miranda and Chakwas looked concerned, but Miranda spoke up. "I understand, Shepard. I'll see you soon."

"Commander, are you sure?" Dr. Chakwas was still holding her hand tightly.

Shepard nodded.

"I hope you know that this doesn't mean we won't ever be able to repair your spinal cord. You could walk again with time."

Shepard nodded again.

"And don't worry about the Normandy. I'm sure they're in safe hands with Major Alenko."

Dr. Chakwas finally let go of her hand and walked out with Miranda. Once she heard the door close, Shepard let her eyes fill up with tears. She didn't let a single one go, instead wiping them away with her hand. _Commander Shepard doesn't cry_, she thought. The universe was safe. She had done it. Sure, there were many unknowns now, but she'd deal with it. She got the Reapers after all, right?

* * *

A few days after the crash landing, Garrus and Tali had been able to repair the ship's generators so that the power was fully working now. Joker had waited patiently next to Kaidan as they tried to boot EDI. The artificial intelligence would not turn on despite all of their efforts. Joker looked heartbroken. He was barely eating and would not talk. Kaidan could relate. He wished he could just curl up in a bunk and not wake up. However, that's not what Shepard would have wanted. What she would want. Kaidan had a responsibility to the crew as her XO, and he was going to see it through. They were going to go home.

With the power back on, it was a disappointment to learn that the communications and engines were still down. Most of the crew spent all day working on the engines. The rest of the crew scavenged for food or tried to figure out where they were. Kaidan went back and forth, overseeing everything. He barely slept. Dark circles formed under his eyes, and he let his face go unshaven.

About a month after their crash landing, food was becoming scarce. Kaidan began seriously rationing their supplies. Group morale was down. Garrus suggested having a memorial ceremony for the people they'd lost. Kaidan reluctantly agreed. Maybe it'd take their minds off the predicament for a second, and they would be able to heal and move on.

Everyone gathered around the memorial wall. Kaidan could pick out Ashley's name. _ASHLEY WILLIAMS_. His gut clenched. He remembered that day at Virmire. The survivor's guilt he had felt was so intense. Kaidan also recalled trying to comfort Shepard about Ashley's death. Shepard justified her decision by saying that Kaidan was the higher ranking officer, and that the mission priority was to make sure the bomb was set. It was perfectly logical, but both of them had struggled with the aftermath. Both knew part of the decision had to do with Shepard's feelings for him.

A few names were placed on the wall by the group. Garrus was handing out the nameplates, and he passed one to Joker._ EDI_. Joker's eyes immediately started to well up.

"EDI… EDI was more than just a machine. Sure, she was our artificial intelligence. She was smart and perceptive, and saved our asses plenty of times. But I think she grew to be something more. She grew to be a friend. I don't know, she grew to be something more for me at least."

Joker began to sob as he moved toward the wall and pinned EDI's name up. Kaidan guessed that Joker had given up on the possibility of EDI's return. Kaidan and Tali had tried their best along with Joker, but it appeared that EDI was permanently damaged somehow. Kaidan certainly missed EDI. She was funny, and she'd have been extremely helpful while stuck here on this planet.

Kaidan was lost in thought when Garrus, pressed a nameplate to his hand. Kaidan looked down. _COMMANDER SHEPARD_. He frowned. Garrus just nodded his head. Everyone looked at Kaidan expectantly. With hesitation, he approached the wall. He glanced back down at the name.

Kaidan had lost her before. He had gone to the funeral. He managed to keep on going, even though it felt like a piece of him was missing. This time was a little different. Shepard came back to the living last time. He wasn't sure at all of her fate this time around. Kaidan was not going to give up on her. _I know you're out there somewhere. You said you'd be waiting_.

He turned to address the crew.

"I have here a plate for Commander Shepard. Now I've heard the whispering in the halls. I know many of you think she did not survive. However, that's not how I feel. It's too soon to call, it's too soon to give up on her."

Kaidan handed the nameplate to Garrus and went to walk away, but Joker reached out and caught his arm.

"Kaidan, I put up EDI's name. It's not one hundred percent sure, but we both know the chances. And we know the chances about Shepard."

"So what are you saying, Joker?"

"I'm saying maybe you should put that up on the wall."

"And I'm saying maybe you should back off."

Everyone stared at Kaidan as he said that. He rarely lost his cool, even now. Rather than apologize, he just walked off. Instead of going to the observation deck, he went into Shepard's cabin. He hadn't slept there even though it was technically his space now as the commanding officer. It was just too weird to see her things, to smell her, to touch the bed they had slept in the night before London.

Kaidan ran his fingers over the shapes of her model ship collection. He felt a migraine coming on. Today, he decided to rest on her bed. He would even let himself fall asleep here. The thought made him feel better. He needed something tangible to hold onto so he could feel like she was still there with him. Kaidan wrapped himself in her sheets. A few tears started to fall down his cheeks as he pressed his face into a pillow. He didn't know if they were tears of pain from the migraine, or if he was finally letting himself go and releasing the anxiety and sorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

Another thank you to everyone who has read, followed, favorited, and reviewed my story!

* * *

A few days after she had woken up at the hospital in London, Shepard was cleared for travel and was flown to a rehabilitative facility at the Alliance headquarters in Vancouver. Dr. Chakwas stayed behind to take care of the many patients who still needed medical attention. Miranda came with her though, as did Jack. Miranda was to help the Alliance with scientific research, and Jack would resume teaching biotic students. Shepard was glad to have two familiar faces with her.

Upon arrival at the facility, Admiral Hackett visited her for the first time since she woke up. Chakwas had insisted Shepard have some time to herself after waking up, so he had waited until she arrived in Vancouver to approach her. Shepard was sitting in a wheelchair near the window when he walked in. The admiral appeared startled when he first saw her.

"Commander." Admiral Hackett removed his hat as he stepped in the room.

"Admiral," Shepard replied wearily.

"I'm so sorry to hear about your injuries." He gestured toward the chair.

Shepard glanced down at herself.

"Thank you, sir."

The admiral sighed and sat stiffly at the edge of her bed.

"I know you're probably curious right now about the events following the Battle of London. However, I first must talk to you about what happened. What _did_ happen?"

Shepard remembered. She recalled the horrible choice she had to make as she stared the ghostly child down. Shepard had chosen to sacrifice the geth, EDI, and all synthetics for the opportunity to kill the Reapers for good. It was all so strange. She couldn't truthfully say if it was reality, but she was fairly sure the Reapers and relays were down. Whatever the case, Shepard could not tell Hackett the truth. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to speak about it. They might think she was crazy or indoctrinated. The Alliance could also put her up to the tribunal again for destroying the geth and the relays. It went against her core values to lie so blatantly, but she felt like was owed some sense of privacy after everything.

"I don't remember. It's all a blur."

"Really? That's unfortunate. I guess it's expected with the trauma you endured. We were just hoping to have some answers."

"Sorry, sir. Sorry that I can't be of more help. I remember Captain Anderson though. How is he doing?

"No one told you?"

Shepard shook her head. "They tried to avoid giving me any answers."

"Well, we found the captain not too far from where you were. He was barely alive when the rescuers arrived, and he passed away before they arrived at the hospital."

She was shocked. He had been alive, right beside her during those final moments. She thought if she had lived that he must have, too. Captain Anderson had been like a father figure to her. He was her military role model. It was difficult to wrap her head around the idea that he had died right after everything was over. That he was never going to see the peaceful world that resulted.

"Thank you for telling me."

"I know you two were close. It's damn shame to lose him."

"That it is."

"You'll probably be happy though to learn that the Reapers no longer appear to be a problem. Whatever you did Shepard, it did the trick. All of humanity- actually, the entire galaxy- has you to thank for that."

"I'm glad we were able to put a stop to it."

The conversation with Hackett was starting to wear her down. Since waking from her medically induced coma, she mostly read from a datapad and took long naps. She tried not to think about her legs or Kaidan at all.

"The relays, however, are broken. No one can figure it out. A lot of aliens have been stuck on Earth, but many are leaving now to see what's out there. We've had some ships come in, but there are still more out there. I'm sure you've heard the Normandy isn't back yet."

Shepard nodded. She rested her head on her hand.

"Any idea where it is?"

"Sorry. With communications being extremely limited, we haven't heard any word. I see you're getting tired. Before I go, I wanted to speak with you about your accomplishments. The Alliance would like to honor you. We'd like to have a ceremony next month where we place a badge of honor on you. I think it'd be great for morale. Vancouver, as well as the military, is still recovering from this."

Shepard didn't like the idea of being paraded around as a war hero. She felt the slightest bit of survivor's guilt, just like she had when Ash had died. Only this time she had wiped out all of the geth, the relays, and EDI. Shepard wasn't proud. She was ashamed even though her decision was the only one to make.

"Sir, I'd be honored. I'm not sure how I'll be doing then…"

Admiral Hackett stood up and flattened out his uniform with his hands. "Don't worry about it. The world wants to see you, to know that you are alive after all of this. They won't care about the details. And Shepard, don't worry about your injury hindering your career. We will accommodate you."

Shepard didn't know how to feel. She knew the admiral probably wanted to stick her on a desk, but she had always been in the field while employed by the Alliance. It would be new territory for her, and definitely not welcomed territory.

"Thank you so much, sir."

"Good day, Commander. Get well."

When the admiral left, Shepard immediately pressed the nurse button on the remote to her chair. She was so weak and tired that she did not have the energy to hate herself when the nurse had to come in and lift her onto the bed so she could finally sleep.

* * *

Almost two months had gone by before the day the crew was able to get the engines running. Kaidan had just come back from exploring the land with a group of the others. He exhaustedly threw his bags down and walked toward the docking bay when Tali burst out. She was practically jumping up and down.

"Tali, what's going on?"

"Only the best possible thing! Come inside!"

Kaidan tried to keep up with Tali as she rushed to the cockpit. Garrus and Liara were sitting next to Joker. They all turned toward him, their faces lighting up with excitement. He had a sneaking suspicion about what was going on, but he didn't want to get his hopes up.

"Check this out," Joker's voice was proud and had a tinge of joy. This was the first time Joker had spoken to Kaidan since the memorial several weeks ago. It was good to hear his voice, especially since it appeared that he was happy.

Joker began flipping switches on the dashboard. The others giddily waited. All of a sudden, he could hear the quiet roar of the engines coming online. The dashboard lit up with navigation information

"The engines…" Kaidan could barely speak.

"Yeah, man. The engines," Joker replied.

Kaidan gave Joker a pat on the shoulder. They had done it. The engines were fixed. They could return home. He could finally go back to Shepard.

"Any luck with the comm system?"

Garrus shook his head.

"Do we have enough fuel and supplies for the trek back home? Do we even know how to get to Earth?"

Liara spoke up. "From my research and pouring over the maps we have available, I believe we are on an unnamed planet in the Terminus Systems."

_The Terminus Systems? _Great, they were plenty far from Earth. "Are you certain? I thought all of the planets were plotted."

"I am fairly certain. There are not many unnamed planets in the populated systems, but I believe this planet has the attributes of a small unnamed one that the Alliance wished to place a colony on at one point."

Garrus pulled Tali into his lap and held her. "We don't have enough fuel to make it to Earth if that's what you want to know. However, I do think we have a chance to make it to Rannoch. The quarians and geth could help us refuel, get more supplies, and fix the ship further before we continue on."

If Kaidan could see Tali's face right now, he'd bet she would be beaming. He couldn't say that he was surprised by their newly displayed affections for one another. Shepard had confided in him that she had caught the two trying to kiss in the main battery. Kaidan was happy for Garrus and Tali It looked like Tali was also going to get to see her homeworld again. It was everything he wanted for himself.

"Okay. Let's get ready to move out." Kaidan broke out in a rare smile.

"Aye-aye, Major!" Joker resumed his work at the dashboard.

It was a risk, but they had to take it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for your patience! It took me a while to finish the chapter, so I made this one longer to make up for it. Thanks to everyone who has read and followed this story lately. Any feedback is appreciated :)**

* * *

The looming military award ceremony was an unbearable weight on Shepard's shoulders. She was never one for big self-congratulatory publicity events. She knew that the admiral and the Alliance wanted to give the people a sense of victory and comfort at the moment, but it just wasn't her cup of tea. She would have to give a speech and answer questions from the press. It was her nightmare.

In anticipation of her big night, Shepard was pushing herself to the limit during physical therapy. She hoped that she could regain some sensitivity or muscle movement in her legs. If not, she at least wanted to keep working them out so that they did not lose muscle mass and wither away. Shepard wanted to have her strong soldier legs when and if there was a time when she could walk again. She also didn't want others to look at her legs and pity her. No, she couldn't have that.

It was during a particularly challenging session with her physical therapist when Jack walked in. She had been fairly busy with her students, but she had made time to come see Shepard now and then.

"Shepard, you any less of a gimp yet?"

Shepard glared at Jack.

"Jack, what do you want?

"What, can't stop by to see an old friend now and then?"

"Now's not a good time."

"Haven't you already pushed yourself to the brink for today? I've never seen you push yourself this hard physically."

"So?"

"So just stop moving for a damn second and talk with me."

Jack was insistent, so Shepard stopped her exercise and sighed. "Okay."

The therapist got up and left, leaving just the two of them in the room. Jack was quiet for a while before she finally spoke up.

"So… Miranda and I are worried about you."

"Wait? What? Miranda and you are on the same page about something? That's fairly remarkable. However, your concern is unwarranted."

"Umm, I don't think so. You're working yourself into the ground. You did it before the Reapers, and you're still doing it to yourself. You know the rooms have video feeds. The doctors know you're not sleeping. You keep working out even after the trainers have told you not to."

"I'm doing what's necessary, which is what I've always done. You're right. I beat the Reapers. And I'm going to beat this."

"Goddamn it, Shepard, this isn't a fucking war against some space monsters. Your spine is all fucked up and you almost died. But Miranda thinks she can fix it. So just calm down and wait like a good girl or you'll be dead before she can do anything about it."

Shepard gave Jack another stern glare. She was getting pretty good at them. In fact, she was glaring more than Jack was these days.

"I'm touched that Miranda and you feel this way." Shepard's facial expression grew softer.

"Aww, hugs and kisses," Jack retorted sarcastically.

"You know what I don't get? Why were you were nominated to come and give me the loving lecture?"

Jack snorted. "Say what you want about me, but Miranda is like an AI. She'd probably just piss you off more by being a cold sociopath. As opposed to me, the fuzzy, angry sociopath."

Shepard had to laugh at that one. A moment passed, and Jack could see Shepard become distant.

"What's up, Shepard? You going indoctrinated on me?

"No, no. It's just… I need to keep doing this. I really don't want to go to that ceremony, especially like this. And… it helps me to not think."

"What's there to think about? The Reapers are gone, yippee-fucking-ki-yay. And Earth will be rebuilt. Yeah, a lot of people died. It sucks. But we're not extinct. And those relays might be down, so some of those aliens are going to have to get real comfy on our planet, but whatever. It's not the end of the world."

"Yeah… I guess."

"And the Normandy is going to come back fine. I'm getting sick of saying it, so stop moping and making me repeat it." Jack pulled out a cigarette from her loose-fitting Alliance uniform and lit it, taking a long drag.

"Sorry for annoying you, Jack," Shepard joked.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. You're just worried that Prince Charming isn't going to ride in on his white horse."

Shepard was startled. Did everyone think she was just worried about Kaidan, and not the rest of the crew? That certainly wasn't true. She cared deeply about Kaidan, but the Normandy was her home, her life. The crew felt like a part of her. They were her family over the past three years. Secondly, did everyone know about Kaidan and her breaking the regs?

"Jack, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh shut it, Shepard. Everyone who has been on the Normandy knows you and pretty boy are a thing. You're worried about him. Whatever. Makes you weak, but I'm not going to hate you for it."

"Wow, thanks," Shepard replied sarcastically.

"I see you're trying out sarcasm for a change. Be careful. Don't go over to the dark side. The world would hate to see their almighty savior turn into a jaded psychopath."

"Uh huh." Shepard sensed it was time to say goodbye. She tried to plan an exit strategy. She was on a floormat and needed to get up into her chair. When Jack had been over before, Shepard had either been in her chair or the bed. Jack had never seen her in this state, and Shepard didn't feel like showing her.

"Need help getting up there?" Jack was looking straight at her.

"I… I… no." Shepard hesitated before dragging herself to her wheelchair. She tried to pull herself up on it, but it started to tilt a little. Shepard winced with pain as she felt her still healing injuries begin to make themselves known.

"Quit trying to be a damn hero." Before Shepard could react, Jack scooped her up in her scrawny arms and sat her upright in the chair. "Alright, princess?"

"Yes, sir." Shepard gave a small smile.

"And you're going to be great at that shitty ceremony. Just don't let all of that stuff get to your head. You might be humble now, but who knows how inflated that big head of yours can get."

"Thanks. I think."

"Anytime." And with that Jack gave her a half-assed salute and backed into the hallway, leaving Shepard there with her thoughts.

* * *

Rannoch was luckily not too long of a trip, and the Normandy had managed to make it there safely. It was a bit of a ghost town because the quarian fleets and many of the geth had come to their aid on Earth. All that was left on Rannoch were a few recently established settlements.

The Normandy landed next to one of these colonies near where Legion had died and they had fought the Reaper. The place where Shepard had managed to add another Reaper down to her list of accomplishments. Kaidan had been scared about her facing the Reaper alone, but Shepard managed to target and kill it. He should've learned to stop worrying and doubting her. Shepard's abilities in the field were remarkable.

The area looked like it had been cleaned up. Tents billowed in the wind next to some newly built housing structures. Kaidan felt like he was in unfamiliar territory. Shepard had always been the ambassador, the figurehead of diplomacy and outreach. Kaidan let Tali take the lead this time, and she went to go speak to her people. He decided to go rest in one of the tents the quarians had given the crew. A migraine was coming on, and he wanted to take refuge in a quiet, dark place.

Kaidan was startled to find Tali standing over him a couple of hours later. Had he fallen asleep? He thought he should be thankful for that. Sleep was hard to come by these days, but he was feeling more at ease lately. Knowing that the Normandy was running and at least some alien civilizations were around kept him sane.

"Tali. What's up?" Kaidan asked, rubbing his eyes.

"A migraine?" Tali deflected, concerned about Kaidan.

"Don't worry about it. Just the usual. Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"There was no need. And you required some rest."

"Huh… well, maybe you're right about that. So, what's the word?"

"First, the good news. It appears the Reapers are unofficially gone," Tali said excitedly.

"Unofficially?"

"Yes, for now. We can't say for certain, but there have been no active sightings on Rannoch. In fact, the Reapers that were here just stopped functioning about the time we were in London."

"I guess Shepard did it. Wow," Kaidan said, breaking into a smile.

"Yes, she did."

Tali gave Kaidan a quick hug.

"Anything more?" Kaidan asked.

"Unfortunately, there are some problems. For example, all of the geth shutdown around the time the Reapers did. No AIs are working, and the relays also stopped functioning. It's almost as if some type of EMP just knocked out everything synthetic. Most computers and other technology are running, with some exceptions. No extranet."

This was too much information for Kaidan to process. He felt his migraine start to come back, so he began rubbing his temples. No more geth? That was sad. They had just begun to work with the quarians, and they were helping improve their lives. After years of hating the geth and fighting them, Kaidan had begun to appreciate them after seeing Shepard work with Legion. Now they were gone.

No more mass relays? That was a huge problem. They were the foundation of modern travel. Without them, it could weeks, months, even years to make it to other parts of the universe. Mass relays were also how the systems were able to communicate. Without them, there was no extranet. They'd have to communicate the old fashioned way: word-of-mouth. Or send drones back and forth. They were officially living in the dark ages of space. How the hell were they going to get home now?

"Do the quarians think they can fix it? Do they know how it happened?"

"They speculate that whatever destroyed the Reapers targeted anything synthetic in the universe. As for fixing it, they have started examining the relay, but they don't really know how to repair it."

"Great."

"Don't be too disappointed, Kaidan. They have agreed to give us any supplies and fuel we might need. And I spoke to a navigator here who speculated that you could make it back to Earth in six months or less."

Kaidan was at least glad to hear that they could make the journey back home. Six months would be agonizing, but it would be worth it.

"That's good. So as soon as we are fueled up and the supplies are loaded, we'll head out," Kaidan said eagerly. The sooner they left, the sooner he could see Shepard again.

"I will let them know that you wish to leave quickly. However, I will not be going with you," Tali said, looking down at her feet.

"What do you mean? You're staying here?"

"I have always wanted to see my homeworld. I was lucky enough to see it before, and I made it my goal to return and set up roots here. Peace has been established. Now it's my time to enjoy that. I'd like to build a home here. There's so much work to be done."

"So you're just going to leave the crew? What about Shepard?"

"I'm not abandoning the crew. The rest of you want to go to Earth because it is your home. It is not mine. This is where I want to live my life. Everyone deserves the chance to go wherever and rebuild now. And I'm not abandoning Shepard! We don't even know if she lived or died. I will forever be grateful to her, and it hurts to stay and not see her, but I know I am making the right choice."

The initial anger that Kaidan felt began to subside. Shepard would want Tali to stay on Rannoch. They had talked about her building a home there. Tali had done more than enough for the galaxy. She deserved this.

"I'm sorry to see you going, Tali. But I do know Shepard would approve of your decision."

"Thank you, Kaidan. It means a lot. There is one more thing…"

"Yes?"

"I believe Garrus wants to stay here as well."

This was not an unexpected turn of events. Garrus and Tali had grown quite close.

"Well, you guys have my blessing," Kaidan smiled. He bet Shepard would be happy about the turn of events.

"I know he desperately wants to see Shepard and know… everything. But I don't think he…,"

"It's okay, Tali. Really."

"Thank you!" Tali gave Kaidan a long hug. Garrus walked into the tent.

"I heard a quarian cheering. What's going on?," Garrus playfully asked.

"It's official. I just told Kaidan that we're staying here." Tali replied.

"That's great. I hope you're fine with this. I really want to go back to Earth, but I know the journey will be long, and there's so much work to still be done around the galaxy." Garrus said.

"Don't worry about it. I get it." Kaidan patted Garrus on the shoulder.

"We'll be thinking of Shepard every day. Maybe after we establish a little home for ourselves here, I can go check out home on Palaven, and then we can make our way to Earth."

"You do that, Garrus. Everyone would be glad to see ya."

Garrus and Tali embrace, and Kaidan has to look away. He wished he could hold Shepard like that right now. He also desired that chance to build a home together. With Garrus and Tali being left behind, he began to feel like everyone was moving on and drifting away except for him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to those who have followed and favorited! Also, a special thanks to everyone who has reviewed the story.**

**I have to give a small apology for this chapter. I'm being swamped by a few things right now, so I had to make this chapter a little short. The next one should be more exciting...**

* * *

The day had come.

Laid out on the bed were several outfits picked out by a stylist who was hired by the Alliance. The stylist and an Alliance spokesperson were arguing about what look would be more appropriate. Would the audience like to see Shepard as the tough solider dressed in her everyday uniform? Or would they like a softer, more vulnerable hero swathed in a silky dress? Shepard personally didn't care. Either option felt strange to her. She didn't want to see herself back in her uniform, but she certainly did not want to be in a dress.

"Can I wear some nice black pants and a top or something?," Shepard mumbled. Neither of them turned to look at her.

Admiral Hackett strolled in, and they instantly quieted. Shepard saluted him.

"Hello, admiral."

"Shepard. Ready for this?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. That is, if they figure out what outfit will make me look like a relatable superhero."

"Hmm. You're going to wear the uniform, of course."

"The uniform! You're so right, admiral," the stylist chirped in.

Well, Shepard guessed she'd be putting the old fatigues on. That settled that.

"Can I speak to Shepard alone?" the admiral asked.

"Yes, yes," the stylist and spokesperson muttered as they picked the dress and accessories off the bed and walked out.

Admiral Hackett looked at Shepard intently.

"Shepard, though you've practically become the queen of the universe in most everyone's eyes, you've got some enemies out there. Batarians still angry that you blew up the Bahak system. Cereberus operatives upset that you ruined their plans. Aliens that are hopeless because they believe you destroyed the relays and many might never go home. Synthetic sympathizers furious that you might have possibly destroyed everything synthetic and some of our technology. That's a lot of people who might potentially harm you."

"Yeah, yeah. What's new," Shepard sighed. She didn't know what was worse: the sycophantic fans and bloodthirsty paparazzi trying to capture her every move, or the terrorists that wanted her dead for actions that she truthfully did make.

"So, we are assigning some bodyguards to you. They'll be lead by Lieutenant Colby. Lieutenant?" Hackett called outside.

Bodyguards? Shepard had never needed bodyguards before. She could take care of herself. Admittedly, she was more vulnerable than ever before, so a bodyguard wasn't that bad of an idea.

"Commander Shepard."

Shepard's thoughts were interrupted. Standing before her was a man dressed in an Alliance uniform. He was remarkably tall. His eyes were a piercing blue, and his blonde hair was shaved as close to his skull as possible. Shepard prided herself on her good judge of character. This looked like quite the intense and dedicated soldier. His face was stoic. A sniper rifle was strapped across his back. A sniper rifle man? Shepard couldn't help but think of Garrus. God, she missed him. She suddenly smirked remembering their illegal shooting game at the Citadel.

"Commander?"

The lieutenant's face had softened, and she saw his beautiful smile. He appeared somewhat confounded by her smirking and silence.

"Sorry, lost in a thought. Lieutenant Colby?"

"Yes. It's such a pleasure to meet you."

"Ha. That's what they all say before they get to actually know me."

"Lieutenant Colby was the leader of an elite sniper unit until recently. Lately he has been acting as a bodyguard to some VIPs, like the council members. I hope you'll find him to your liking," Admiral Hackett butted in.

"Is that so? Sounds like some big accomplishments."

"Oh, it's nothing- I mean, what you did…"

Shepard rolled her eyes. Admiral Hackett gave her a knowing look.

"Place nice with the lieutenant, Shepard. Got your speech ready?"

"Yes, sir."

"Alright. I'll see you onstage then."

Admiral Hackett exchanged salutes with Shepard and Colby before exiting the room. Shepard was all alone now with the lieutenant. His rigidity and warm smile reminded her of her own former lieutenant, Kaidan. The man who appeared in her dreams every single night. She felt a pang of sadness while looking at Colby.

"Will you leave me for a sec, Colby? Gotta put these damn dress blues on."

"Yes, ma'am."

As soon as Shepard heard the click of the door, she rolled into the bathroom. She had become quite adept at taking care of herself by now. Shepard worked on changing into her uniform. She was nervous and anxious. Her palms started to sweat profusely. As she began to button her uniform, her fingers slipped and fumbled. Overcome by frustration, Shepard slammed her fist on the counter. Looking up at the mirror, she saw her new visage. Wounds that had traced her entire face had healed, leaving behind jagged scars. The makeup artists would have a hard time with those. Her hair was finally growing out into something resembling a pixie cut. Shepard's head had been shaved for a brain surgery she underwent during her coma. Staring into the mirror, Shepard felt like she was a different person. And now she would have to go out into the public eye and demonstrate who she used to be.

* * *

Leaving Rannoch had been bittersweet. Kaidan and the crew were excited to be back on their way to Earth, but no one had been thrilled to see Garrus and Tali go. They had been a part of the original Normandy crew. They were also two of the best tech people on the ship. Without them, it'd be Kaidan and the engineers solving everything. As Joker pulled the Normandy up from the ground and toward the heights of the atmosphere, Kaidan could see Tali and Garrus waving goodbye as the red dust picked up and swirled in the wind. They became smaller and smaller until they were only a bluish-black speck against the landscape. Kaidan felt a pang of uneasiness. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was optimistic and naïve, but he had pictured the whole Normandy being together after the war.

James had the idea of having a poker night as a way of bringing the crew together after saying goodbye to Garrus and Tali. Kaidan had lost his shirt many times while playing with James, so he wasn't too enthralled by the idea. However, he'd do whatever was good for morale- within reason, of course.

Kaidan, James, Steve Cortez, Joker, and some other members of the crew had gathered around the poker table in the starboard observatory. Kaidan let James be the ringleader for the night's event.

"Ladies and gents, ante up!" James bellowed.

Kaidan was about to throw in his chips when Diana Allers sauntered into the room in her skintight dress. Since the Normandy had crashed, she had been filming their ordeal and interviewing everyone. Kaidan had continually pushed her aside. Others might have the time and energy to answer her questions, but he didn't. Who knew how Shepard had tolerated it. Kaidan was a more private person in some ways. He could certainly swallow his feelings and spout out carefully chosen words, but he did not like having to do it. Publicity was not his thing. It wasn't Shepard's either, but she had been great at giving speeches and brining people to her cause. Her words might not have been as eloquent or thoughtful, but they grabbed an audience. She could reel you in.

"We playing poker, boys?" Diana observed.

"Yeah," James said dismissively. Vega wasn't a huge fan of Miss Allers.

"Oh. I didn't get the memo."

Kaidan gave her a sympathetic smile. He didn't have anything against her. It must be hard for her to be stranded with them. She was away from her home, just like everybody else on the ship. Allers was a little bit of an outcast because the rest of the crew was Alliance or they had known each other for a while. Poor Diana was probably itching to get back and broadcast all of the footage she had captured in London.

"Well, then." Diana leaned across the table. She picked up the chips that rested in Kaidan's fingers and blew at them before giving them back to him. "Good luck."

"Allers, you don't do that with poker chips. You do that with dice," James sighed. He looked annoyed.

"Hmm. Thanks for the lesson, Vega," Diana muttered jokingly as she took a position on the side of the room. She pulled herself up on the ledge and sat there, smiling.

Vega had won two games and Cortez had won another when Kaidan felt a hand on his shoulder. He snapped around. Diana was standing there next to him.

"Don't want to interrupt your fun and games, major, but I wanted to speak to you about something."

"Can it wait?"

"It could, but I'd say that I'd be doing you a favor by pulling you out of this game." Diana gestured toward the low stacks of chips that remained in front of Kaidan.

Kaidan wanted to still be in the game. It was rare these days for him to get a chance to just relax for a moment. Yet Diana was being fairly insistent, and he hated to draw others' attention away from the current proceedings.

Kaidan stood up. "I'll be back, James."

James gave him a queer look, but he continued dealing out cards to the table.

As Kaidan's typical haunt was occupied by the poker game, Diana led him to her space in the starboard cargo bay. She took a spot on her bed, so Kaidan decided to just stand in front of her.

"What's up, Allers?"

"I had a proposition for you."

Kaidan did not like the sound of that. He wearily raised his eyebrow. "Uh huh?"

"I've been taking footage of everything that has happened since the crash. Thought I could make a nice documentary out of it, or at least make some videos for loved ones back home to see. Some people have been really into it, but you haven't spoken to me yet. And some of the crew hasn't either. It'd be great if everyone could get onboard. Think of it as my personal contribution to the group's morale."

Kaidan gave this some thought. It couldn't possibly do any harm. With the ship slowing gliding through space, there wasn't much to keep everyone busy or entertained. However, Allers could continue to badger the crew and him with questions, or spin this story in a bad direction. Suddenly, his thoughts began to pull in a different direction. He felt bad for her. There must not be much for her to do.

"Okay."

"Excellent." Diana smirked as she jumped up and extended her hand to Kaidan. They shook hands, and Kaidan noticed she stayed in his grasp for an uncomfortably long time. "So can I film you tomorrow night?"

"Okay," Kaidan sighed.

_Damn it_. He just knew he was going to regret this.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks to everyone who has continued to read and support my story!** **This chapter grew so long that I had to split it in two. Here is Shepard's part, and Kaidan's will be posted soon.**

* * *

The auditorium was full of Alliance higher-ups, reporters, and photographers. It was relatively small, but to Shepard it might as well have been a room full of thousands of husks. Instead of wanting to rip her to shreds, this group wanted to get into her head, read her emotions, and get answers.

She waited on the sideline of the stage as Admiral Hackett announced her. Colby stood directly behind her, eyeing the crowd.

"Commander Shepard has accomplished many great feats in her time. She got the job done on Torfan in harsh circumstances. She defeated Sovereign on the Citadel. She warned us of the Reapers before she perished and was reborn. She took down the Collectors. She killed several Reapers before finally putting them away for good. She has united us. Shepard has saved the galaxy so many times that we will never be able to thank her enough. The Systems Alliance and the rest of civilization will always be indebted to her," Admiral Hackett proclaimed.

Shepard began fidgeting. It was almost her time to go up.

"You okay?" Colby whispered.

Shepard gave a quick nod of her head. She straightened up and smoothed out her uniform.

"Commander Shepard is truly the most remarkable hero of our times. So it's fitting that we have established a new award today. Shepard has already won all of the others anyway, including those reserved for our fallen comrades."

The audience laughed a little.

"Today, we bestow the Key to the Galaxy on Commander Shepard. It's a fitting honor. The Alliance has also promoted Shepard. She will now be a captain in the Alliance."

The audience cheered. Shepard's mouth was agape. No one had told her about this. She felt proud to receive the promotion, but she was also a little worried. She didn't know if she was Alliance at heart anymore.

"I will be introducing someone else to present the award to Shepard. Someone close to her."

_What?_ Who could it possibly be? Shepard's first thought was Kaidan, as impossible as it might have been. Anderson was dead. She couldn't think of anyone else, other than Jack, Miranda, and a few other lower-ranking Alliance types.

"May I present Rear Admiral Shepard… Hannah Shepard."

Shepard froze in shock. She saw her mother walk out onstage from the other side. Her mother was all done up in her dress blues, waving to the crowd like an eager politician. It was the first time Sheppard had seen her mother in years.

Shepard and her mother only exchanged a few brief messages with one another from time to time. Hannah Shepard hadn't been a particularly warm and nurturing mother. She was a busy military career woman. Shepard's father had been a civilian. He basically was the only one raising her until he got sick and died when she was little. Then Shepard spent most of her time roaming on ships alone and occasionally seeing her mother.

It didn't surprise her that her mother would show up for this event. Hannah Shepard was all about making moves and crawling her way to the top. Shepard had joined the Alliance to make a difference. She wanted to get the bad guys. Her mother was surprised and thrilled to see her daughter follow in her footsteps. Tears were in her eyes when she saw Shepard sworn in. The advice that Hannah gave her was to complete the mission at all costs, look good, and keep safe. Eventually, Torfan happened. The guilt had almost eaten her alive. From that moment on, Shepard had decided to be less cold in her decision-making. She would be like her role model, Captain Anderson.

Shepard loved her mother despite her faults. She had turned down the admiral position after her daughter's death. That was saying a lot because Hannah's goal had always been to move up in the ranks. She knew her mother was proud of her. However, Shepard and her mother disagreed on many topics. Sometimes it appeared like all her mother cared about was her career, whereas Shepard's priority had always been to save as many lives as possible and keep everyone else safe.

Now Shepard was looking straight at her mother as she gave a little speech to the crowd. All she heard was silence. Panic had made her numb to her surroundings. Then everybody looked toward the side of the stage. Shepard's mother was staring right at her. Shepard didn't make any attempt to move, but she noticed that her chair was going forward. She turned around and saw Colby pushing her ahead. _Sorry_, he mouthed. _You're going to be great._

Hannah Shepard held a translucent glass key on a platinum chain. The glass was flecked with all sorts of colors. She held up the chain when Shepard had finally made it in front of her, and she placed it around her daughter's neck.

"You did it, sweetie," Shepard's mother whispered so the audience couldn't hear. Shepard noted that her mother's eyes had a little sparkle to them. Could it be that her mother was so proud of her that she was overcome with tears?

The audience was now standing on their feet, and the flash from the media's cameras was blinding. Shepard posed and grinned good-naturedly until the noise finally died down. Shepard gulped and hesitatingly cleared her throat before she moved up to the microphone.

"I am so honored to be receiving the first Key to the Galaxy, though I have to say that it doesn't feel like I deserve it. Safety and peace came at a high price. So much damage has been done, and so many friends have been lost."

The crowd grew quiet and still. Shepard glanced down at the award around her neck and held it in her hand over her heart.

"But I hope that now we will be able to rebuild, while still maintaining a sense of community throughout the galaxy amongst those of different species and varying beliefs."

Shepard paused briefly to look at everyone in the room.

"This is what we fought for. This is what I fought for. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to fight. I'd like to thank Admiral Hackett for believing in me and my crew. I'd like to thank Captain Anderson for being the military hero I always wanted to be. May he rest in peace. I'd also like to thank my mother, who inspired me to follow her footsteps into the Alliance."

Shepard gave her mother a sheepish grin. Hannah appeared surprised, but she returned her daughter's smile.

"I'd like to thank those who fought beside me throughout this war. Ashley Williams died on Virmire. She was a brilliant soldier and a good friend. It was so early on, but without her sacrifice, we wouldn't have made it here. Mordin Solus passed away on Tuchanka, where he was making sure that a cure to the genophage was finally available to the krogan. Thane Krios was a skilled assassin, but he was also a great man who helped to take down the Collectors and protect the Citadel even as he was dying. Zaeed Massani was the toughest mercenary around, but he gave his life to save someone else's. There are countless others I could name."

Shepard let her eyes glaze with tears at the memories, but they dried as she prepared her next few lines.

"I'm most in debt to the wonderful crew of the Normandy. I pray that they are safe out there somewhere and will be back shortly."

Shepard now peeled the chain off of her neck and held up the key to the audience.

"This one is for you guys."

Everyone began cheering and the rapid fire of camera flashes returned. Reporters started shouting questions left and right, but Admiral Hackett walked up and took the mic.

"There will be no questions from the media today. Shepard's story will be told, but I think for now we should celebrate her accomplishments."

There were disappointed murmurs, but Hackett's stern face made it clear that there was going to be no interrogations today.

"Thank you, sir," Shepard whispered. Admiral Hackett gave her a curt nod before they resumed posing onstage for the millions of pictures and videos to be taken.

* * *

Shepard was backstage saying goodbye to Hackett when her mother casually walked up and stood awkwardly to the side.

"I should let you two talk," Admiral Hackett declared, giving Shepard a pat on the back before stepping away.

"Hi, Mom," Shepard sighed, loosening the buttons around her neck so she could relax.

"I'm so proud of you!" Hannah wrapped her arms around her daughter before quickly pulling back.

"Thanks."

"I mean, I didn't know you had it in you!"

"What?"

"After Torfan, after the whole Cereberus scandal and blowing up the Bahak system, not to mention dying."

"Thanks… I guess."

"Don't be like that, honey. I'm just trying to say that I'm glad that you're alive. You're the hero I always wanted to be. I was afraid that when you're dad died that you would pull away. I guess you did pull away from me emotionally, but when you joined the Alliance it felt like there was a still a piece of me in you."

"Mom, I'm sorry for not contacting you more…"

"No, it's okay. I was a little harsh on you. Maybe I gave you some bad advice, too. I hope to make it up, and hopefully we can be closer now, captain." Hannah gave a little wink.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Well," Shepard's mother smiled, but she looked like she didn't know what to say.

"Well."

"Anyway, I best be leaving. I'm shipping out this week. Going out with a whole fleet to inspect the mass relays. Don't know how long I'll be gone."

"You're already leaving?" Shepard asked, confused and a bit hurt.

"Already leaving? It's been two months."

"Yeah, two months since the biggest war in history. Two months I've spent in a hospital alone after almost dying…"

Colby suddenly appeared behind Shepard, grabbing the handle to her chair.

"So sorry, ma'am. The captain needs to get back to the facility. Been a long day for her. Hasn't it been, Shepard?"

Shepard was so thankful to be pulled out of the conversation that she just wanted to jump up and hug him.

"Okay, I suppose you're right," Shepard huffed.

"It was so good to see you, sweetie."

"Yes. It was good to see you, too. Have a good deployment."

The two hugged each other briefly, but when Hannah backed away she glanced over Shepard.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Am I feeling better? Do you mean if I'm still paralyzed? Then yeah, I still am."

"Do you know how it's going to affect your career and…"

"We really have to be taking her back now. Not safe here," Colby butted in. He started to push her toward the exit. Shepard gave a little wave to her mom as they left the building.

"I definitely owe you a drink, lieutenant. You saved my ass back there," Shepard exclaimed.

"Ha. Just protecting my commanding officer, ma'am."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello! Welcome to Kaidan's chapter. Thanks to those who have recently started following and those of you who have been reviewing!**

* * *

In preparation for his interview, Kaidan had shaved for the first time in what felt like forever. It would be good to portray the Alliance in the best light by appearing as a clean-shaven leader who had his shit together. Plus, having no whiskers is what Shepard had always preferred. She would jerk her head back when he kissed her neck and playfully accuse him of hurting her. When they had the opportunity to shower together, she would gently run a razor across his face and check her handiwork by giving him kisses all over. Back on the first Normandy, shaving was part of his daily routine that he never neglected. However, with everything leading up to London and the months after, shaving just did not fit on his list of priorities. Maybe if Shepard saw the vid one day she would appreciate that he put the effort into looking nice on camera for her. Then again, maybe she would laugh at how undignified he looked these days. His hair was growing out weird and was turning grayer by the second. His face appeared as if it had aged by years.

Diana Allers came knocking at the starboard observation deck door at exactly the time they had settled on. She came dressed in her typical attire, with her primary accessory being a vid recording drone. Kaidan greeted her, and the two of them sat down on the couch. She was sitting straight up, so he decided to follow her lead.

"Good, major. No slouching. Looks bad on camera," Diana remarked as she fiddled with the drone.

"No problem. We ready, Allers? Because I have…," Kaidan said before being interrupted.

"Don't worry! I'm ready," she assured. Diana stopped messing with the drone and gave Kaidan a warm smile. "Let's do this. Turning it on now."

The drone lit up and made mechanical noises as the lens became focused on the two of them. The machine turned on a light that nearly blinded him.

"Sorry, Major Alenko," Diana apologized. "Need proper lighting. Can I call you Kaidan?"

Kaidan shrugged. "I'm more comfortable being called Major Alenko during interviews, just for professionalism's sake. But you can call me Kaidan otherwise."

"Sounds good. Anyway, here we go. Deep breath. We're rolling! Can you describe to me what is going on with the Normandy right now?"

"We left Rannoch a few weeks ago. Since then, we've been pressing forward. Hoping to get back to Earth as soon as possible. We are landing on any planets which we're familiar with to stock up on resources."

"Uh huh. So you do you believe the Normandy will make it back to Earth?"

"That's the plan." Kaidan gave his best reassuring smile to the camera.

"On Rannoch, the Normandy left behind Garrus Vakarian and Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, two crew members from the original Normandy that fought Saren. Was it hard saying goodbye to them?"

"Of course it was difficult. They are close friends of mine, and they were a vital part of our crew. But in these times, I can understand if they wanted to stay behind on Rannoch. I think they deserve to be a little selfish for once. Commander Shepard would have insisted on it."

"Interesting. Do you think you will see them again? Considering what we currently know about the mass relays."

"Will I see them again? I hope so. Can't say for sure. I already miss them. Now I have to do all of the calibrating," Kaidan chuckled.

"What are you doing to maintain crew morale in these difficult times?"

"I'm emphasizing that everyone needs to keep working hard. We'll make it home if we just stay strong. I think it's a little disheartening for everyone to be stranded out here, not knowing what happened on Earth or who survived. Lieutenant Vega has been helping create some activities to keep everybody's minds off of our predicament. Karaoke is coming up tomorrow, and we played poker recently. Continued my losing streak," Kaidan smirked.

"What motivates you to stay focused on your journey back to Earth?"

"It's my home. It's home for a lot of us. Earth is where we belong. Many of us have family, friends, and loved ones back there. We're praying that we'll get to see them safe and healthy again. My dad… my dad was missing in action the last time I heard. Presumed dead. I'm hoping that my mom is doing okay."

"Yes, we have lost so many people on Earth. I understand that the Normandy evacuated Earth during the battle at London, leaving behind Commander Shepard. Was that a challenging decision? And do you believe that Commander Shepard is alive?"

"It wasn't a decision I had control over. We received orders, and we followed through with them. Joker did what he was told and what was best for the safety of the Normandy. We wouldn't be sitting here talking if he had hesitated or made one wrong move."

"I see. And what about Commander Shepard?"

"Whatever she did, it obviously worked. From what we've heard, the Reapers are dead. So she must have been alive in order to end the war. So I think there's a good chance she's alive now if she was able to make it to that point."

"That is a logical conclusion, yet the crew seems to feel otherwise."

"We took a lot of hard hits on the ground. They might doubt her survival, but I've worked with her for a while now, and I know she's the toughest solider around. Or maybe I'm being naive, and they're right. Who knows? That's the point. Nobody can say anything definite just yet, so I'm keeping the faith alive."

"It's clear to everyone that the commander is a close personal friend of yours. What would you say to her if she could hear you right now?"

Kaidan paused before answering. He needed to respond to this question tactfully. Allers was going to a place he didn't want to go. She was digging up a little too much for his comfort.

"I would just tell her that we're coming home as fast as we can. That we're all proud of her. If she's hurt, I'd want her to be strong. And the whole crew misses her."

"Is that all?" Diana questioned.

"Allers, let's not go there," Kaidan warned.

"Go where, Major Alenko?" Allers prodded. She batted her eyelashes in an attempt to play innocent.

"All that I can say is that is hard to fill her footsteps. She's the best leader I've ever met."

"Okay," Diana said distractedly. She turned off the drone, and the light on Kaidan's face went out. "Thanks so much, Kaidan. I'm sorry if I said anything to offend you, just trying to get good material."

Kaidan sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"It must be difficult to be here without her."

"I'm not sure what…"

"Respectfully, you can cut the crap. The camera's off, and I don't have a wire taped to me. I mean, it's obvious what was going on. I don't really know why you want to hide it so much because I doubt anyone would care at this point. I merely wanted to express sympathy."

Kaidan was unsure what to say. He wanted to continue denying it, but it was somewhat of a relief to have someone straight out confess that they knew about their relationship. Some pressure had been lifted off of his shoulders.

"Off the record… yeah, it hasn't been easy, but I keep going because I have to know what happened to her," Kaidan confessed. He rubbed his neck. "Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel sympathetic to you, too"

"Oh?" Diana raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. You're stuck on this ship with the rest of us. I know your career is probably a big part of your life, but I'm sure you're missing someone or something right now. And you've got great footage of the battle and what's happening here, and you can't exactly show it to galaxy. The news world is moving on without you."

"News is moving on without me? We'll see about that. I'm dropping off footage and interviews with every populated sentient planet we pass, and I think my boss will like what I bring back with me. That is if the crew and you give me something to work with," Diana smiled.

"Ha. We'll try. I also wanted to let you know that I'm here. If you want to talk or anything, you know."

"Good to know, major. Same goes for you." Allers stood up to leave, but she started pressing something on the drone. "I just sent you a message with some vids of London. Got a few of the commander in action. Thought you might want an exclusive first look."

"Thank you… Diana."

"No problem."

Allers sauntered out, her drone following right behind. When the doors shut, Kaidan pulled up his messages on his omni-tool. He opened a vid that Diana had just sent. It was a recording of Shepard standing at the docking ramp. Kaidan was in the corner of the frame, being held up by Garrus. Kaidan's heart dropped. He knew what this was. It was difficult to hear anything except for the roar of the battlefield. He watched as Shepard reached toward him, giving him one last kiss. She stepped away, and Garrus held him back. The camera focused on her face. She was beautiful, even with the blood and soot smeared across her face. Shepard looked sad, but he saw the determination in her eyes. Kaidan watched as she ran toward Harbinger, dodging left and right, taking out an enemy here and there. Kaidan was tugged back into the ship, and the ramp door closed. The vid ended. He hoped these weren't the last images he would see of her.


	8. Chapter 8

**Eeks! It's almost been 2 weeks since the last time I posted. It was hard to write this chapter. I hope the longer length makes up for the wait. Things are starting to pick up, and next chapter should be good...**

**Anyway, thanks to those who have recently faved or followed, and an extra big thanks to all reviewers!**

* * *

Kaidan was leaning against the rails of the platform that overlooked the galaxy map. He was watching the Normandy slowly move across the display. Shepard used to do the same thing when she had something on her mind. The crew didn't bother her and waited patiently for the next command or question. At the moment, he was here instead of her. Kaidan had recently spoken to Traynor about their current course, and now he was lost in his thoughts. The Normandy looked so small on the map. The distance that was still between them and Earth was enormous. It was overwhelming to think about it, but Kaidan kept focusing on the positive. They were over halfway home.

James strolled by the deck. Kaidan caught him passing in the corner of his eye and moved to go speak with him.

"Vega!" Kaidan called.

"Major?" Vega stopped and turned around as Kaidan rushed up to him.

"Hey. I remembered that Allers wanted to talk to you about doing a vid segment."

"Oh yeah?" Vega answered, feigning surprise.

Kaidan ignored the lieutenant's attitude and merely nodded. "Just wanted to remind you. She's intent on getting everybody to contribute."

"I don't know. Not my thing. Don't like the chick."

"What?" Kaidan didn't know what else to say. He became uncomfortable sometimes when insubordinates spoke their mind.

"I don't trust her. I don't like the way she struts around and gets in everyone's business," Vega mumbled, looking away. It was almost as if he knew he was toeing the line.

"Lieutenant…" Kaidan warned.

"And I'd watch out for her if I were you."

"And why is that?" Kaidan asked, his questioning tone lingering in the air.

"Nothing, major. I just don't want to talk to her."

"Huh. I think you should reconsider. Allers doesn't have a lot of support on this ship, but she is one of us, and we should treat her with the respect and empathy she deserves. Got it?"

"Yeah. Is that a command?"

"Lieutenant," Kaidan sighed heavily. This conversation was starting to give him stress, and he felt a migraine coming on.

"Got it," Vega acquiesced.

Kaidan turned around to leave, but Vega grasped his arm.

"I'm sorry, major. Didn't mean to give you a hard time," he apologized.

"Don't worry about it," Kaidan muttered. He wanted to go back to the quiet of his room and not have to deal with the crew for a while. It was truly draining being in Shepard's shoes.

* * *

Shepard let Colby pick the place. It was time to finally buy him a drink for saving her from another passive aggressive conversation with her mother. She wasn't too familiar with Vancouver because she had only spent limited time there in training or on lockdown. Shepard was a spacer, and while she knew a few great places on Jump Zero and in other corners of the galaxy, she had to trust Colby on this one. The place he chose was in an old brick building. Shepard couldn't believe that it had managed to still be standing after the Reapers. Colby led her to the basement of the place. There was no signage. She hesitantly followed him in, but she smiled when she finally got a look of what was inside.

There was an old-fashioned wood bar and a few sparsely populated tables. The clientele appeared to be rough-around-the-edges, retired Alliance types. A small screen behind the bar was displaying the news on mute. Smoke swirled in the air from cigars, despite the fact that smoking in a public establishment had been banned for years. The only sounds were those of quiet voices and the clinking of glasses. This was her type of place: a dive bar where you could go incognito and not care about the rules.

Shepard headed for an empty table, but Colby grabbed her arm gently.

"Where do you think you're going? You have to go sit at the bar with me."

"Umm, have you lost your memory, Colby?" Shepard said as she gestured toward her lower extremities.

"Nope," he replied nonchalantly

He pushed her to the bar and pulled out one of the barstools for her. Shepard gave Colby a weary look, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

"So the brave and heroic Commander… actually, make that Captain Shepard- can't conquer a measly barstool?" he playfully taunted.

"Fuck you," she growled. She had been feeling better physically and emotionally, but she still wasn't in the mood to play games.

Colby put his hands up quickly. "Whoa, there! No harm intended. I'm going to sit here and order a drink. Let me know when you care to join me."

He took a seat next to hers and waved down the bartender.

"Wait, wait," she yelped. In the beginning, she had wanted to push herself to the limit and recuperate as much physical ability as possible. As time went on, she had grown reluctant. Why embarrass herself? She was never going to be whole again. However, she wasn't going to let herself sink deeper into her shell today. Shepard had told Colby that she'd buy him a damn drink, and she was going to do it.

Colby smiled in relief as he witnessed Shepard preparing to get onto the stool. He held it down so it wouldn't tip over from the imbalance. Using her arms, she managed to pull herself all of the way up and take a seat. Though it was an easy and inconsequential task for the average person, it was nothing short of amazing for anyone with Shepard's injuries.

Shepard was out of breath, but she gave Colby a wicked grin. "Don't mess with your superiors, Colby."

"Wouldn't think about it," he smiled.

Shepard went ahead and called the bartender over. "Shots, please." She turned toward Colby. "Choose your weapon."

"Shots?"

"What? You got a problem, Colby? Can't hold your liquor?"

"Oh, we'll see about that," he challenged. Colby turned to address the bartender. "Tequila."

"Eww," Shepard exclaimed, wrinkling her nose.

"Hey, you told me I could get what I wanted!"

"That was before I knew you were a girl," she retorted.

* * *

A while later, Kaidan was peering out of the observation deck window with his forehead pressed against the cool pane. He was thinking about the whiskey that Shepard had given him back when he was in Huerta Memorial. Kaidan had brought the bottle to her room on the night before the battle. He had wanted her to relax and spend one last night with him. They never did get around to drinking much of it. Kaidan had held off from drinking the rest of the whiskey despite his desire to sip it all down and become numb. He put it aside, thinking that Shepard and he would finally get to resume their drinks after defeating the Reapers. Kaidan continued believing that for several months, and even though they were getting closer to home, something within him snapped on this day. Kaidan went over to the cabinet and retrieved the bottle. He poured himself a stiff drink and stared at it. By drinking it, was he admitting defeat? He wasn't sure. Holding the drink loosely in his hand, he swirled it around and went to the window to look out at the stars. He hoped Shepard was out there, along with his mom and dad, even though the odds were incredibly against him.

"Kaidan?"

Kaidan jumped a little, shocked at the voice. He hadn't heard anyone come in. The voice was human and female, and had a tone that held that touch of authority. He thought for a second that he would turn around and find Shepard. The voice wasn't a complete match though. It was a higher pitch, a little more feminine. It wasn't wracked with sadness. When he turned around, and all he saw was Diana Allers.

"Sorry to interrupt," Diana said quietly.

"Oh. You're not interrupting anything," Kaidan assured.

"I wanted to thank you for getting Vega to participate."

"So he finally did it? That's good."

"What did you do?" Diana accused. A smile formed on her face.

"What do you mean?" Kaidan blurted. He was a little confused. Didn't Vega do what she had wanted? Or maybe Vega did something he shouldn't have?

"What sort of punishment did you threaten with him to get him be in the vid and behave himself?" she questioned, pretending to be serious by folding her arms in front of her.

"Hah. I didn't bribe him. Maybe you just wore him down." Kaidan chuckled before becoming stoic again. He glanced down at the glass in his hand and resumed swishing its liquid content.

"Have a drinking problem? That would make for a great special."

"What?"

"You've been nursing that drink like it's the most interesting thing in the world," she observed.

"Sorry," he apologized.

"No need to apologize. I was simply curious. I suppose you believe that the meaning of life can be found at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey?"

"I wish. I was thinking about my mom and dad. And Shepard, I guess. I miss her. I also feel... I know I should let it go after all of this time, but I'm ashamed of breaking the regs."

"I can understand," Diana replied. "Though you're probably more worked up about it than anyone else is."

"I know. Sorry, didn't mean to be whining about it again," Kaidan joked.

"It's hard to keep ourselves in check when our hearts are screaming at us. They overrule whatever our brains may be telling us to do. I know a little about that. You guys have regs, we have journalistic integrity. Don't get involved with your stories," Diana said before taking a deep breath. "I can't say I've been very good at about that recently."

Diana's confession forced Kaidan to raise an eyebrow. _Was she implying something?_ _She couldn't possibly, could she? Is this what Vega was trying to tell him?_

Allers appeared alarmed by Kaidan's expression. "Wait, what? You think you? Oh, no. No, major," she chuckled. "Not that you're an unattractive guy, but I'm not touching the commander's man. That's just asking for it."

"Then… who?"

"You're not getting that out of me. Like you, I do have some integrity, despite my leather wardrobe that the male viewership appreciates."

"Hey, but you know about Shepard and me!"

"And didn't I tell you that I'd keep my lips sealed?" she teased as she mimed zipping her lips shut.

"I know, but…"

"Well, I do owe you one. It's..." she paused.

"Are you leaving me with a cliffhanger?" he groaned.

"Nope. I won't be that cruel. It's Traynor," she whispered before breaking into a grin.

"Really? I didn't think you…"

"Swung that way? If you didn't have your hands all over the commander, I might have been in your place," she winked.

Kaidan was left speechless as Allers stalked out. He felt relieved to hear that she wasn't after him and that someone on the Normandy was being a friend to her. If only he could tell Vega… but he wasn't going to break Diana's trust.

* * *

Less than an hour later, a collection of empty shot glasses had formed on the bar in front of Shepard and Colby. Shepard was slumped over the bar, her head propped up by her hands. Her face was a fiery red. Colby, on the other hand, appeared to be unaffected.

"You're a cheat! I'm on my meds," she slurred.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have tried to keep up with me. Or maybe you should not have been drinking at all, actually."

She glared at him. "Screw you."

"Ouch," he mumbled, looking not the least bit hurt by her words. She swatted him. "I surrender! You won."

"Good," she gave a smug smile before polishing off the last shot of the night. "I have to thank you, you know."

"For the mom thing? Don't worry about it. I'd hate for a cat fight between your mother and you during the awards ceremony to become the latest celeb gossip story."

Shepard snorted. "Ha. Actually, I might have enjoyed it. My mom would've certainly shit her pants to see that come out in the press." She quickly put her hand up to cover her agape mouth. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking like this. Too many drinks. The war might be over, but still shouldn't be unprofessional."

"No, no…"

"I do want to thank you, not only for the mom thing, but for being a good friend. Everyone else is off doing something. Fixing the galaxy, yada, yada. I've felt kind of all by myself," she frowned. "Not that I need people."

"It's okay to be human."

"I guess so. Been feeling extra human lately." She played with the empty shot glass on the table before glancing up at Colby through her eyelashes. The two looked at each other, not saying anything. An unwelcome warmth spread throughout her. In her mind, she yelled at her body to knock it off. _Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan_. She broke her gaze and casually turned away from him. Her eyes caught a glimpse of the news on the screen. _Kaidan_. Kaidan's face was on the screen. She had trouble reading the text running across the bottom of the news channel in her current drunken state.

"Hey, Mr. Bartender. Turn it up!" she hollered. The bartender turned on the sound.

"What is it?" Colby asked confusedly. Shepard didn't bother responding to him.

A voice on the screen could now be heard, and Shepard's picture popped up. _Huh? _The picture quickly faded into a picture of Shepard and Kaidan in their dress blues, standing next to each other. _When was that picture from? The ceremony on the Citadel after Sovereign? Why did they crop everyone else out?_ "Our source says that Captain Shepard and Major Alenko were involved in a sexual relationship even before the defeat of Sovereign several years ago. There has been no sight of the Normandy since V-day. The Alliance has declined to comment. And now, moving on…"

Shepard stopped listening. _Did it just say what she thought it did?_ She gave a quick glance at Colby. He was staring at the screen, but his mouth was hanging open. He saw Shepard's movement and reflexively clenched his jaws shut. Shepard didn't really know what she was feeling. She wanted to get out of there. Her omni-tool began to light up and ping from messages coming in.

Shepard began lowering herself down into her chair, and Colby got up to help her.

"Don't," she commanded. Once she was settled, she moved toward the bartender and made sure to pay off the tab. Then she attempted to head for the exit, but Colby pulled the chair to a halting stop. He went to put his hand on her arm to calm her, but she swiped it away.

"Don't touch me," she ordered angrily. The reality of the situation was sinking in. Immediately after hearing the news report, she had been in denial. Then, she was suddenly relieved. Now they didn't need to fool anyone. But… what about her career? His? Oh, the public was going to go insane for this story. The Alliance, too.

Colby was looking at her, but wasn't saying a word.

"What? Speechless, lieutenant? Well, sorry. Guess I'm too human, eh?" Shepard quipped, but there was nothing cute or funny about her tone.

She wished she could stomp and storm out, but there was only so much a disabled woman could do. Shepard moved as fast as possible out of the bar without giving Colby another look.

"Shepard!"

She heard him yell after her, but she wasn't up to facing him. Shepard was ashamed, and she couldn't pinpoint what exactly was causing her to feel that way.


	9. Chapter 9

Shepard's hand hovered over the doorknob. It remained suspended in air and trembling slightly. Shepard bit her lower lip unconsciously. On the other side of the heavy door was one of the things she feared the most in life: a confrontation with the admiral. She hoped that the only punishment would be her honorable discharge from the Alliance. She also prayed that her conversation with Hackett wouldn't lead to her being court-martialed.

With a deep breath, Shepard opened the door. Admiral Hackett was sitting behind the large desk in his newly rebuilt office. Floor-to-ceiling windows revealed a healing Vancouver. Large swaths of the city were still dark or in ruins, but some buildings were new or in the process of being restored. Shepard found the view encouraging. Maybe everything could be healed in time. She took a spot between the two plush chairs juxtaposed in front of Hackett's desk.

To Shepard's surprise, Admiral Hackett was not glaring at her. He appeared tense, but perhaps she wasn't in trouble. Hackett folded his arms and sighed.

"Shepard," he calmly greeted her.

"Admiral Hackett," she replied quietly. "I know why you called me in here. It's because of the media reports about Major Alenko and me. I won't deny that it happened, but I want to apologize. I hope this won't affect Kaidan's career or mine, but I understand completely if you have to do something about it."

Hackett merely stared at her blankly before clearing his throat.

"What the two of you did was reckless and completely against every single one of our fraternization regulations. We have them in place for a reason. These things… can affect your command," the admiral chastised.

Shepard felt her face grow hot. She lowered her eyes to the ground to avoid the admiral.

"That being said, you're a good soldier and a damn fine leader. I don't think there was negative effect on your ability to get the job done," he continued. "And I honestly can't say that we didn't see it coming."

Shepard's mouth hung agape, but she snapped it shut. "But how?"

"You're surprised? After you emerged from the rubble at the Citadel, after your funeral, after Alenko's injury… I could go on, but I think you get the point. I mean, it wasn't public knowledge, but I'm sure your crew and some other Alliance knew."

Shepard's face flushed even further. She remembered the Citadel.

_Everything was falling down around her. "Ashes to ashes, we all fall down," the old childhood song ran through her head in those split seconds. Shepard closed her eyes as the wall and ceiling came down on her. All she could do was put her arms up over her in a defensive stance to protect her head and neck. She was certain that it was the end of the line for her._

_Shepard was shocked to learn that she was alive after waking from the darkness. She was happy about it, but damn, her arm hurt like hell. She had managed to land in a crevice that allowed most of her body to remain unharmed. Shepard crawled out of the wreckage slowly, afraid to upset the balance of the rubble and have everything come crashing down. Were Garrus and Kaidan safe? She started to panic a little, but her fears were calmed once she emerged and limped toward where they had been standing earlier. Kaidan, Garrus, and Anderson were there._

_Kaidan looked upset, but when he finally glanced up to see Shepard coming his way, his face froze. He must've thought she was dead. He paced toward her, ignoring whatever Anderson and Garrus were saying. They also turned their attention to her. Both appeared relieved, but Shepard was still unsure about Alenko. Her thoughts were interrupted when he made it to her. His lips locked onto hers, and he held her in a tight embrace. She yelped in pain from his jostling her arm, but he still didn't let go._

"_Kaidan…," she murmured. Her head was caught in a riptide of emotions: relieved to see him alive, joyful to have him holding her, fear because others were looking on, and pain._

"_Sorry," he mumbled, finally pulling himself apart from her. His face instantly darkened as he touched her wounded arm._

"_Don't… it's okay. It's over," she said quietly. Garrus and Anderson looked like they were now in a deep conversation, and the two were turned away from Kaidan and Shepard. She took the opportunity to gently lean into Kaidan as the strength that had pushed her through the battle finally gave out._

The memories faded, and Shepard found Hackett staring at her curiously.

"Sorry, sir. Lost in thought for a second. So what now?"

"What now? You're still a captain. Just waiting for your ship to return. There is one thing…"

"Yes?"

"It'd be great if you could clear everything up with the press. Give an interview. Tell the world. You're something of a celebrity now. Some are not happy with the Alliance's handling of things post-war. It might soften them up to hear your tales."

"You want me out from behind my desk and doing publicity?"

"It's only temporary. We're in a tough spot right now. I'm not that happy about the idea myself, but I've been told it will help… calm some tensions."

"I don't know, sir. I'll have to give it some thought. Thank you for everything."

The two smiled at each other and shook hands. Shepard wheeled out of the room. She was grateful for the way Hackett had reacted, but she was uncertain as to whether she could go through with spilling her guts in front of the universe.

* * *

Feros. Kaidan had actually not accompanied Shepard during most of her time on the planet. She had taken Wrex and Tali with her to explore ExoGeni and Zhu's Hope, and it was only when they returned to the _Normandy_ that he had heard about the Thorian. He hadn't seen it up close and personal, but it still appeared in his nightmares.

Feros was still a pile of rubble that was mostly uninhabited. Shepard had helped pull funding from Zhu's Hope in fear that ExoGeni would try something again. ExoGeni had withdrawn from the planet, and only a few former colonists and employees decided to say. However, when the Normandy made a stop there to refuel, Kaidan was surprised to see many people moving about the remains of the old colony. He took Liara and James with him to go check the situation out. By the time he stepped out of the ship, a woman was already out there to greet them.

"Hello there! Wow, the _Normandy_!," she exhaled, before hugging each of them in turn. Kaidan exchanged uneasy looks with his squadmates.

"Ma'am," Kaidan addressed her.

"Sorry. Just wanted to do that. I am so thankful for everything you guys have done. I'm Angela. I guess you could say I'm the mayor of Zhu's Hope."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Major Alenko."

"Oh, I know who you are." Angela smiled shyly.

"I'm Liara …" Liara got out before being interrupted.

"Any news?" Vega questioned, ignoring the introductions.

"News? Well, what do you already know?"Angela said, turning to him.

"Nothing at all."

"Well, then. The Reapers are dead, but you might know that. You're my heroes!"

"We actually knew about the situation with the Reapers," Kaidan sighed. "Anything more?"

"Sure. Refugees, merchants, and military have been stopping by and staying here as they head back to wherever. We get a pretty good steam of information. If you know about the Reapers, you probably now the relays and comm buoys are out. People say they might be back up within a year or two."

"That's good news," Kaidan replied as he rubbed the back of his neck. "And what about… did Commander Shepard live?"

"Commander Shepard? Oh, yeah. She's alive. I know she was in a coma for a while. The gossip I'm getting now is that she woke up, but I'm not sure yet. They say she took a hell of a beating in London."

Kaidan could see Liara's eyes swell with unshed tears as she heard the news. Kaidan's vision got blurry, and he realized that he was having the same problem.

"Lola's alive!" Vega exclaimed.

Kaidan put a hand on his forehead, calming the migraine that was coming. The good news was too much to take in at the moment. He regained his composure.

"Is there by any chance we could stay here for a week or so? The _Normandy_ could use some supplies and fuel for the last haul home."

"Certainly, major. We'd be absolutely honored," Angela smiled warmly, leading them toward the now bustling colony.

* * *

Shepard sat in front of a mirror lined with retro light bulbs. The vintage vanity rested in a television news dressing room where Shepard had been escorted several days after her meeting with the admiral. She observed herself in the mirror. They had dressed her in a fuzzy pink sweater, and her lips were shiny with gloss.

"This is bullshit," Shepard announced.

The other occupant of the room, Colby, audibly sighed as he examined his omni-tool. "What's bullshit?"

"Everything," she replied, gesturing at the room and herself. "I don't know why I convinced myself that this was a good idea. I guess at least I know that I don't want to do this anymore."

Shepard's miniature rant was met with silence from Colby.

"Look, I'm sorry about leaving the bar. It was just a bit… jarring to hear that news report. And I didn't want you to think less of me as a soldier," she confessed.

Colby met her eyes. "It's no problem, ma'am. I still think you're the best the Alliance has ever seen."

"Why thank you, Mr. Colby," she teased, batting her eyelashes. "But seriously, it's Shepard, not 'ma'am.' And secondly, get me the hell out of here."

"Fine, Shepard. Wait, what?" Colby stopped fidgeting with his omni-tool.

"Unfortunately, I've suddenly come down with an illness. I won't be able to do my tell-all. Aww. Such a shame."

"But Hackett basically ordered you to do it! Alliance isn't going to be happy."

"Well, they're not going to have much say in the matter."

"Actually, I think they will."

"Wrong. How can they get mad at a civilian?"

Colby gave her a blank stare.

"I've had a draft of my resignation letter sitting around for a week or two. I'm no paper-pusher, and I'm not about to be some quasi-celebrity going on about lost love."

"You could get back into the field…"

"I don't think so. If so, not anytime soon. I gave it a try. I'm done now."

"Okay. If you're sure about this, Shepard… I'll go talk to the producer. But what are you going to do if you're not in the Alliance?"

"That's the funny thing," she smiled coyly. "I just got this message from the asari counselor. Apparently, the council is as ineffective as ever. Destroying the universe's number one enemy is apparently not enough to achieve world peace. So the council sent me an invite to be their latest counselor."

"What? Are you serious?"

"I'm afraid so," she said, her tone becoming grim. "I never wanted to be in politics, but I can't let things fall apart again. Just when I'm getting a break, it seems like there's always another crisis."

"You don't have to do this. You've done so much already. Why don't you just pack up your things and retire?"

Shepard shook her head. "It's not me. And if I know you at all, you should understand. You going to pack up your rifle when your contract is up with the Alliance? I didn't think so."

Shepard stared at Colby until he finally gave a little nod. "I understand. I'll go talk to the people. You should probably make a run for the exit in case someone tries to convince you to stay."

"Lieutenant Colby, you're my hero. Is there an awkward social situation that you can't save me from? This time I'll take you out for coffee."

* * *

A week had passed by in Zhu's Hope. Kaidan had suffered from a painful migraine for days. Dr. Michel had given him the maximum dosage of painkillers, but it had still taken a while for him to regain the ability to think clearly. He had spent most of his time on the planet curled in a ball in a small guestroom at Angela's house.

Shepard was alive… she was in a coma, but people had said that she had woken up. Everything was going to be fine. No longer did he have a heavy heart and a gnawing desire to rush to Earth. Sure, he still wanted to be by her side as soon as possible, but he felt some contentment at hearing her fate. He was glad the crew had been wrong about her. You could never underestimate Shepard.

He knew he should focus on thinking about the journey back, but he couldn't help letting his thoughts drift. He thought about his future with Shepard. Now that everything was finally over, they could think about being together. Kaidan was certain that she didn't want to retire, so maybe they could both could quit the Alliance and just be Spectres. Or he could quit, and she could remain in the Alliance. She deserved to be an admiral for everything she'd done.

It was their last night on the planet. Angela was hosting a dinner for the Normandy crew and the leaders of the colony. The crew's mood had lifted dramatically since their arrival on Feros. Everyone passed around food, and it was loud with boisterous jokes and stories. Liara sat next to Kaidan, and she had a small smile on her face as she ate.

"Thank the goddess that Shepard is alive. I can't wait to see her," she said between bites of food.

"Me, too. We can't think about that though. Still have to keep our attention on getting the _Normandy_ back safe and sound," Kaidan replied.

"Yes, I know. I just wanted to..."

Liara's words slowly came to a halt as a man walked into the hall of Angela's house. He glanced around before approaching Angela and whispering something in her ear. No one took note of it except for Liara and Kaidan. Angela's face grew troubled as she listened to whatever he was saying.

"What do you think that's about?" Liara asked.

"I don't know, but I'm about to find out," he said as he sat up from his chair.

Kaidan made his way to Angela just as the man backed away from her and quickly exited the house. Angela turned away and moved toward the table, but Kaidan reached out for her shoulder.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. We just got some new messages from a drone."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine," Angela said with obviously false cheer.

"Really?"

"It was… there's no point in hiding it from everyone, I suppose. You'll find out when you get there. We received confirmation that Shepard is alive and awake. There was a big ceremony for her. She got an award and is a captain now. But they're saying that's she paralyzed," Angela murmured, shaking her head sadly.

* * *

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, and followed since the last time I posted a chapter. I apologize for the long delay in getting this chapter out.**


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